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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It frustrates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that professional help might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or exposure, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This process will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.