This Drifting Excrement Was Way Too Meaningful! It's the TV Disappointments of the Year.
As we reflect on the television offerings of the past year, a handful of shows stand out not for their brilliance, but for their spectacular failures. Ranging from awkward sequels to confusingly bad docuseries, here are the productions that had us utterly bewildered or just reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
How to start with this divisive follow-up? Burdened with woeful scripts, painful arcs (justice for Miranda!), and a mere 71 seconds of fan-favourite Samantha, the series fought to find its footing. For a moment, as the third series began, it seemed as if it had at last hit its stride. Then came an episode all about Seema’s natural deodorant. No wonder the creator declared this would be the final series. It concluded on a low point; the closeup of Miranda’s loo flooded with poo was just way too symbolic. Yet, viewers undeniably found joy dissecting every single “wtf?” episode. And as Carrie – once again single – twirled around her sprawling townhouse to Barry White, who didn’t let out a little sob?
All’s Fair
‘Can Kim Kardashian act? Of course she can’t.’
But that was practically the smallest of this show's problems. The recipient of a exceedingly uncommon zero star assessment, it was hard to know where to begin enumerating the flaws. The laughably wooden writing? The mind-numbing veneration of affluence and materialism? The almost wilful parade of cliches? Performances so poor they felt borderline spiteful? Suffice it to say “all of the above” and never speak of this show again. Except, a new season has been commissioned, so we’re likely going to have to.
The Charlie Sheen Documentary
Given the restraining orders, abuse claims and parental failures, it’s reasonable to say Charlie Sheen has been a bad boy. Not that you’d truly have gleaned it from this multi-part documentary which smirked its way at Sheen’s various episodes of self-destructive excess while struggling to tell us anything we didn’t already know. Rather, it felt as if this volatile personality was being pandered to, so any pity this show might induce should be reserved for the people who have had to endure proximity with this charming but dismissive egotist.
The Iris Affair
Naturally we understood it was preposterous from the get-go: a drama about a supercomputer known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either solve global crises – or destroy all of humanity. We stuck with it out of sheer love for its stars … but by the end, it felt like even they had stopped bothering. One scarcely cared when his character died, and the other ended up hacking Charlie with an axe … in painfully slow-motion. That's what you call admitting defeat.
MobLand
Shady figures convening in deserted boxing gyms? The Prodigy’s Firestarter blaring in club scenes? The late 90s called and demands its crime drama back.
Actually, that is unfair on the gangland dramas of the late 90s. Many look a bit old-fashioned now, but at least they didn’t suffer the ignominy of having to accommodate unconvincing accents. But there were many other issues. Mainly that it was just really dull; a dispute over narcotics territory between various cockney rogues which felt rather simplistic.
The Meghan Markle Series
Considering the extent to which she grinds the gears of certain ostentatiously enraged commentators, it’s almost easy to admire the Duchess of Sussex’s televised forays into quaint lifestyle as intentional provocations. But then you view them and are compelled to admit that in this case, they may have a point. It’s like watching a homeware catalogue animated; a poster for wine o’clock with ideas of grandeur; a parade of snoozing dogs, humming beehives, sentimental platitudes and pointless crafting “hacks” you’ll not remember instantly. All underpinned by vast, mostly unearned wealth. Ugh.
Victoria Beckham
There are obviously interesting things to be discussed about both Victoria Beckham and her struggles with career, self-image, self-acceptance. But for some reason, this three-part series chose not to explore them. Instead, the viewing was akin to consuming a marketing brochure. She clearly has good reason to resent what she describes as her “stern” image. But sadly, she failed to do herself any helps with this cagey non-event of a series.
The Game Show
It should have been the next big hit – except even more extravagant, with a famous star playing dead and a well-known personality overseeing her estate. What more could you ask for? As contestants competed, there was plenty of backstabbing and squabbling. But the rules quickly became incomprehensible: it’s still too confusing to detail what exactly was happening. Even more disappointingly, we only saw brief appearances of the star via filmed videos. The series ended up smelling of a programme that was straining desperately to emulate something way beyond it.
Too Much
How does one follow a show that defined a generation? The expectation was immense for this glitzy romcom about Jessica, a rosy-eyed New Yorker who arrives in London with a shattered romance. The lead actress seized the opportunity by the horns and was a delight to watch, embodying Austen levels of romantic notions. But it was all very slick and, paradoxically, was insufficient. Plus, the sheer amount of famous cameos involved felt uncomfortable.
Mitchell & Webb Are Not Helping
Not good enough to be ‘patchy’.
Given the smart recruitment of gifted emerging comics, expectations were high. But sadly, most of it didn’t land. A recurring sketch was a single joke milked to a husk but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too ready to slip into a familiar ranting mode. The writing room sketches, meanwhile, simply inspired the thought that they should probably have stayed in there a while longer.
The Twisted Tale of Amanda Knox
This retelling of the story of Amanda Knox was overseen by Amanda Knox and pretty much exclusively presented the perspective of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an compelling drama to be made about the tragic 2007 murder, this was not it. The material needed to be handled with care. Rather, the series struggled painfully to find the right voice, lurching from oddly breezy, somewhat mannered farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Twisted? Perhaps. A complete mess? Absolutely.
Prime Target
We love the lead actor … but did we buy him playing the most brilliant maths genius since, a man so smart he’s on the verge of a breakthrough that could ruin society? Nope! This international thriller about secret services targeting – and killing off – academics frankly got more farcical by the second. Formulaic nonsense.
The Bonnie Blue Documentary
This hagiography followed the content creator renowned for explicit exploits as she prepared for her most extreme challenge yet. What on earth would motivate her? What we wanted was far greater interrogation of her actual psyche, plus those of the men in the line. They could at least have interviewed the legendary mum who showed up to drag her son away from the queue. What we got was horrific imagery and zero critical analysis of her notoriety whatsoever. And to think, the documentary-maker has a young daughter too.